I LOVE YOU..

Everyone knows, i've lost my mother six years ago. She was diagnosed with ADVANCED BREAST CARCINOMA WITH LIVER AND LUNG METASTASIS. I hate myself for not appreciating my mothers enough..anyway, i did not expect to lose my mother this early..now baru aku perasan 50% of my post in this blog is all about her...how much i regret for my past and wish to have a chance to change it... although i know it wont happen..well i miss and thinking about her A LOT!..and that explained everything..

For six years also i've been stop making mothers day card, and eventually stop celebrating this event ((except for few years back at school, i do wish some people who care so  much about me, aqila's mother, nora's mother, ara's mother..)). i can still remember how excited i am, making cards for emak, stole a nice picture of emak and me from the album and paste it on the card. i have no pocket many at that time.thats mean i cant get my mother fancy-sweet card like my friends did. Thank god my mother liked it so much and that is the greatest feeling ever. Anyhow, in present, I didnt even remember when exactly mothers day is. Seriously.

BUT

Recently my head programme had granting us with two weeks vacations before resuming our 4 weeks posting, so i decided to balik melaka and spend a week there. now here's the thing. Not everyone knows after my mother died, Cikgu Haida treats me like her own daughter. so im kind like her foster child. She brought me to her home a lot and makes me feel welcomed. And turn out Mothers Day fall at the same week when i was in melaka. the only thing i can think about is writing her a letter. ok lets face it, i do forget when is mothers day, it was so late to buy anything..like tomorow-is-mothers-day late.

i just want to share what i wrote to her, so that no one would ever feel the same way i felt because it sucks..dont get me wrong..love for her is the greatest things ever, but to write a letter and thinking back what faith has lead you into..no one would ever wanted to feel that..

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mak,

mereka cakap membesarkan anak sendiri sudah terlalu membebankan, ini kan pula insan yang tidak pernah ada pertalian darah mahupun ikatan. Bau-bau bacang jauh sekali. Tapi mak lain... di saat jaz tekontang -kanting, dibebani dengan masalah keluarga yang tak pernah sudah, menjadi anak yatim piatu walaupun masih ada lagi insan yang bergelar wali, dikelilingi dengan rakan-rakan yang masih dihujani kasih sayang daripada ibubapa...mak datang..hadir sedikit demi sedikit dalam hidup jaz sampai jaz sendiri tak sedar betapa kuat nye pengaruh mak dalam diri jaz..jaz ingat lagi u cried ble jaz bgtau mak yg my mother da meninggal. and i cried too. i have no idea that it was a started to what is happening right now.

Dulu mak slalu ckp, kalau ade ape-ape masalah tulis surat dekat emak..mak bg byk sgt surat dekat jaz..each time during assembly at the hall, you will call me and i will sit beside you..tp jaz tak pernah reply any of your letter..i cant remember why..tp jaz rase mase kat sekolah dulu mmg jaz in my own "world"..jaz pena cube nak tulis..tp jaz xtau nak ckp ape...mase result spm keluar, the only person yangn boleh make me feel better is you..dekat bilik guru i can still remember what u have said to me..

"after all things u've been through..this result is more than enough"

maaf mak..i am glad u were always there for me..

mak,

if my wother is still alive,i'd rather trade the cancer from her than seeing her die. without thinkong twice. i miss her a lot. her smile, her voice, her warm hugs..mak, please take care of yourself..i cant afford to lose someone i love. again.you meant a world to me

jaz slalu doa, tuhan balas balik jasa emak yang menggunung dekat jaz, mak dimurahkan rezeki,panjang umur dan bahagia dengan anak2 mak.you are so lucky to have them.

last but not least,

Happy mothers day..

p/s: this was the exact original text i gave to cikgu haida..

the only similarities between her and my mother is both of them got breast cancer. thank god, her cancer has gone into remission.

anyway, i put the letter in her room, without her noticing it. soon ble da sampai college, she called and cried. i cant barely talk dgr suare mak mcm 2..bergetar, trying to hold her tears. we talked for a while, and at that point, i know despite all the dugaan tuhan da bg..He gave me this angel, to show me life isnt that bad after all. This is the best mothers day ever..